Review: CollarMe.com and My Off Switch

Kitten hiding between concrete slabs
Image courtesy of Paolo Margari at Flickr.
Review of website: CollarSpace.com CollarMe.com (kinky personals).

The morning after I signed up at CollarMe.com, I happened to start daydreaming about one of my favourite books, and a bolt of arousal shot through me.

Normally this would not have been such a surprise, but I had believed I was dead between the legs due to exhaustion. Evidently not. I tried thinking about my own life again and was able to confirm my new hypothesis. CollarMe is the best ‘off’ switch for my submissiveness ever.

The stories had not prepared me. Yes, I had fully expected to be told “Slave, here is your new master, now masturbate like a slut” after saying no thanks. That’s what happened to me on Bondage.com ten years ago. Frankly, the FetLife groups Return to Sender and Profile Pitfalls have no idea what they missed. Kinky men really are more clued-in now.

But no, the first problem was the sheer volume. I took maybe half an hour to fill out my profile, then noticed that the Who’s Viewing Me? button was highlighted. Click. I nearly jumped out of my skin. It just kept scrolling down. I hadn’t even known the profile had gone live.

In three hours I received about 100 messages. Among them were three plaintive one-liners asking why I hadn’t replied yet, one of which alluded to “disrespect”. There were obscene messages, one-word messages, and un-prefaced requests for friendship or chats. I am so grateful to all those guys for making my decision really straightforward. I want to give them efficiency awards or something, but they would probably take it the wrong way.

Over the next 24 hours there also appeared two short messages that simply made me happy. Just a little, but uncomplicatedly happy. They were very much like the comments I’ve received from other women about this blog. They made me think “This person might help me think new thoughts.” I don’t know if this is what other women want, but I’m grateful. Thank you, gentlemen.

It was really hard to figure out why the other messages made me flee the site in 24 hours flat. But I think I’ve got it now.

Have you ever had crowds of nice strangers hovering around you, giving you trust and hope and their future in excessive quantities? I have. Knowing that I could hurt their feelings with a word, not knowing how to help them show their full potential, mustering all my courtesy, compassion and maturity. Check, check, check. Even the flashers!

CollarMe.com feels just like teaching preschool again.

And nobody is to blame, really. Quite a few gentlemen clearly worried about not sounding dominant enough, but that’s not the solution, because my second tier of efficiency awards went to boastfulness and one-true-way-ism (also piggy play, bestiality and yellow fever). In most cases, though, people were simply expressing their attraction, bravely and courteously, and in their shoes I would have written exactly the same kind of message. The good guys weren’t behaving like pre-schoolers; even the efficiency award-winners were probably doing their best. It was just the power dynamic of scarcity and demand. Like I said, not their fault.

But it’s not my fault either that I’m utterly desexed by that sense of power and responsibility. Maybe it’s more tolerable for dommes? Although this domme’s hilariously similar Eureka! moment would suggest otherwise.

So I have taken the advice of one insightful respondent, who thought my blog sounded like a much better way to get to know like-minded people than CollarMe. Besides, I care much more what people think about the topics here than the profile questionnaire. Who cares if I like show tunes? Surely headphones and obedience and indulgence are a thing?

I am left with a few questions.

1. What on earth was I supposed to do with the polite one-liners that didn’t introduce any topic of conversation? I tried replying to one of them and a topic … just … never … appeared. Excruciating.

2. Why do so many men constantly stress our mutual genuinity, sincerity and seriousness? Could they really believe that women who don’t want exactly what they want are doing it wrong? Brrrr. I hope not. Because it’s a terrifyingly widespread meme.

Edit: I asked some doms. Apparently I was being thanked for not being a scammer asking for money. Phew!

3. Does negging really work on other submissives? Maybe it works on women who like a challenge? Because it paralyses me. Back on Bondage.com someone asked me, “You want to do this before having vanilla sex? Don’t tell me it’s because you’re Asian, I’ve had Asian girlfriends.” That guy still hasn’t received an answer, because I was too upset for years. Thank heavens someone finally told me, “That’s like telling gay people they should try straight sex first!” I guess it’s good that my recovery time has shrunk from years to months to days. But I imagine I would have been more fun to play with before I developed some armour.

So I can’t recommend CollarMe. Yes, you’ll meet lots of people, it will be flattering, and the website is not really hard to use (even though I never could get my audio greeting to record). But it’s not worth what it does to abject submission.

10 thoughts on “Review: CollarMe.com and My Off Switch”

  1. Hello Yingtai. JT here. This really is a great blog, thanks very much for sharing it with us. :)

    I have a recommendation for you (if you haven’t tried it already) about CollarMe and sites like it: try posting a profile with no pictures at all. This would automatically filter out most of the guys who immediately respond (with their dicks more than with their brains) to pictures of a pretty girl as well as keeping the “yellow fever” crowd at bay (especially if you don’t list your ethnicity). I bet this would reduce the number of responses that you’d have to wade through by 90%.

    Also, CM allows you to attach pics to your messages, and I’m sure many other sites do as well. So if you decide to contact someone then you can attach a pic to your initial message.

    Maybe you’ll feel less like you’ve been “thrown to the wolves”, because you’ll have fewer clowns demanding your attention and more control over deciding with whom to converse?

    Give it a try and let us know if it works. :)

    – JT

    1. Thank you! Compliments *and* assistance – what a bonanza.

      I need to clarify that the primary problem is not the wolves. It’s the preschool teacher feeling. Also:

      (1) I’m convalescing from joint problems. Maintaining this blog is a challenge even with speech recognition software. Clicking through CM leaves me in pain – not the good kind!

      (2) You’ve made me realise that I’m not looking for a partner yet. I’m looking for friends who might become close friends, mentors and maybe a partner. So my profile now states that I’m not receiving CM messages, but am happy to meet via my blog. Do you think it will work?

      1. I think it will help! Those who actually have an interest in talking with someone as a friend will take the time to come to your blog, read it, and exchange ideas. Dickbrains will just click on to the next (and most likely fake) picture of a pretty girl because they’re not really at CM to find a relationship or even just a sub, they’re just trying to feel powerful by playing at “domination”…if they ever had the opportunity to actually meet a woman from CM they’d probably respond by hiding under their beds! ;)

        So I think it’s a great “natural filter”. Great idea! :)

        1. We’ll see, she says glumly. Though you have cheered me up a little. I am always amused how much contempt dominant men have for dominant men who haven’t got over their demons/incompetence yet!

  2. Hello Yingtai, nice to meet you. I have a few thoughts. First, your blog works to bring the initiated to you as it worked for me and I am here and I sent you a contact message..

    Second, you might want to try out OKCupid too as it seems that is the dating site where you can hint at your submissiveness, but need not put it all out there like at Collar Me and Fetlife–and thus the intereaction can also be much more refined (but admittedly not always) but you will still be innundated with potential suiters.

    Third, as for yellow fever, what is your perception of it? Admittedly, I like Asian women, but not exclusively, and not because I think they are naturally submissive. I just like petite brunettes with smaller breasts and a lot of Asian women fit that bill. Also, in my experience, Asian women born in Asia or who have parents who were born in Asia are generally more calm and respectful and more feminine in that they understand the male female dynamic and are not trying to be at odds with or hostile to men (or be like men) as a lot of Western feminist teachings has done to a lot of Western born women. To me, these types of Asian women just are comfortable in their own skin and their gender and the biological inclinations that go along with it.

    Finally, I am a little concerned about your joint pain. You mention that you now forced to use speach recognition software. I do not mean to pry, but I hope you are seeing a doctor as it could be some immune issue such as rheumetoid arthritis or a similar afliction. Again, not to pry, just a bit concerned.

    Ed.

    1. Initiated one, I know your preference for small breasts is relevant, but it’s not good for whatever calm and respect for mankind I possess.

      I think people with yellow fever should be embarrassed by it, just as with any prejudice. We can’t help having types, but women generally do not like feeling interchangeable.

      Regarding OkCupid, my doctor’s orders *are* to moderate my computer use.

  3. Hey Yingtai!
    I saw your CM profile, and sent, what I hope was, a respectable message. I also read your posts here around that time. Doing so lead me to starting my own blog, for the first time in my life.

    I understand the problems with CM and sites like it. JT’s advice there sounds like good ideas, and I may actually alter my profile after reading his comment.

    Not knowing what to say in that initial message is a pretty intimidating feeling, at least that’s how I feel. I search by location, then read profiles, and when I see someone who I like to actually meet, I’m afraid of saying something that makes me sound like a one-night stander, but don’t want to propose marriage after the first date, either. Then, not knowing the reaction I’d get makes me second guess everything I type. I don’t normally get responses, and I assume it’s because of the volume of messages they receive, but I’m never really sure. It’s a problem for those of us that are there for the connections.

    Just my thoughts. Keep the posts comming!!

    1. I had my doubts about approving a comment which is so much like a personal message, but decided that it’s helpful for everyone to hear about CollarMe from the other side.

      You guys have it tough. In my case I can tell you it would be better not to send a one-word follow-up message so quickly. And here is a profile that impressed me and lots of other women [edit: this is an archived version]. I don’t know if other women check out full profiles; I did if the initial message was short and sweet and suggested it.

      Edit: Argh, that previously impressive guy has just sent me an unaccompanied friend request. Another one bites the dust …

      I hope your blog brings you connections. There are relatively few male dom bloggers, and the response to my sadist post suggests that female submissives would like to read about the way you think.

  4. It simply happens if you sign up new, you show up as a new profile, so most of the wankers think you’re easy picking and flood you with mails. The noise level goes down after a while.

    1. Based on an admittedly limited sample size, I get the impression that age is a bigger factor in attracting wankers than anything else. Also, as another comment pointed out, CollarMe highlights the new profiles.

What do you think?