Hello and goodbye

Hello, old friends. It’s been a very long time. And I’m afraid you may not like my news.

I’m starting a new blog because it doesn’t feel right to come back here.

I still love this old place. I made it to delight my eyes and it does just that. The tags and 404 page still make me smile. And I love my younger self who was just beginning to discover the kink community and wanted to share what she had learnt.

But it’s definitely dated now. The design doesn’t matter so much, but the advice does. It’s not wrong exactly, but it doesn’t speak for me any more.

For a long time it didn’t matter, because I didn’t have the spoons to blog. Posting on Twitter and then Mastodon was enough. But now I’m starting to have new longform thoughts again!

I thought about starting afresh here, but even the domain name feels wrong for some of the things I want to say now. And life is very different now that I’m ten years older and have long covid. I don’t want to keep updating WordPress plugins and fighting with photo captions every time I have an idea.

So, a new blog. Just as an experiment, to start with.

Please come visit my new place? I’m calling it Yingtai is Thinking.

 

What motivates 24/7 submission?

Someone asked on Twitter about what motivates 24/7 subs.

The replies went like this:

  • Safety;
  • Freedom from control, responsibility;
  • Order, instruction, framework, accountability;
  • Being useful to someone else, greater purpose;
  • Intimacy.

For me?

Firstly, this is not a choice. This is something I find myself doing automatically. And when someone else wants it too, it feels so right that it brings tears to my eyes.

I could say that it’s because I need congruence in my life. I wear the same clothes to work and kink events and exercise, I come out to as many people as possible. But … there are much easier ways to achieve consistency. Why this way?

I think for me, the drive towards submission comes from this: THIS is how I intensify intimacy to the point that it feels sexual. I keep thinking of metaphors of invasion. The goal is to have only one of us.

It’s 24/7 because it’s a fundamental dynamic that doesn’t go away in between scenes. Like I imagine for vanilla couples, the sexual spark and intimacy aren’t just in the bedroom.

It does make my life better in that it’s easier to care about someone who’s not me. To do the things he thinks are important, to be nice to myself because he cares about my well-being. To stop worrying because he’s got it in hand.

But … all of that is possible without taking a submissive role, or even a power dynamic.

So I honestly think it’s really because I am used to feeling powerless. This is, weirdly, a comfort zone for me. And it’s especially hard-wired around anything to do with sex.

I’d never want to evangelise about this. It might feel safe, but it isn’t. There is so much potential for abuse. But at some point you have to start working with the person you are, and what works for that person.

I’m happiest on my knees.

 

e[lust] #76 – Sex After Birth

Welcome to Elust #76 – The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust.

Want to be included in Elust #75? Start with the rules, come back November 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

– This Month’s Top Three Posts –

Sex and the post-birth vagina
Lonely Things
Just the two of us

– Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) –

Tiny, shiny, bity snaps of steel…
I have fallen in and out of love with myself

– Readers Choice from Sexbytes

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

I had An Abortion

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Continue reading

Introducing the Abject Kitten, Part 2

Last time I told you about my feline identity crisis. I was afraid I wasn’t a kitten.

Actually, it was worse than that. I was afraid I’d never been a kitten at all.

Yes, I had done a lot of meowing and fun dashing around and studious ignoring of so-called rules. But observing myself post-breakup, and remembering myself at the very beginning … I had to face it. I wasn’t a feline brat.

The real me faced power on her hands and knees and face, trembling with awe, aching with gratitude. Apprehensive and apologetic if she brought a mug when asked for a glass. Shocked that the further she went down the rabbit hole, the more she wanted, the safer she felt. The happier I was.

I wasn’t a brat. I didn’t want to be a brat. And yet I had been.

Brattiness in a submissive who’s not normally bratty is a way of saying something is wrong with the relationship dynamic. It may be time to stop and communicate on a deeper level.

  • Was your submissive bratty when you first started a D/s relationship together?
  • Have you ever asked your submissive in a serious manner if they WANT to be a bratty sub?
  • Have you ever asked your submissive what might help them NOT to be bratty or why they had been bratty in the first place?

Those questions have answers. No. No. And no. God, I wish we had seen this advice before we convinced each other we were terrible people.

So I said goodbye to my lovely imaginary tufty ears and plumed tail and started a blog called The University of Abject Submission.

Then one day, on my knees, in the middle of a protocol lesson, shaking from praise, mindless with happiness – I froze. My face. What on earth did it think it was doing, rubbing up against Mr Gasp Shake Thank You‘s knees without thought or permission?

Time passed. I admired myself in the bathroom mirror, because wise and kind people had complimented me. I strutted down the stairs. And heard, out of nowhere, a cocky little meow.

That was me.

I got a bag of chocolates. The kitten sat up and enjoyed the treats. And I enjoyed giving them to her.

On Thanksgiving evening I took the kitten for a walk. She revelled in the empty streets and told me she owned the whole city.

I ran late. The kitten announced importantly to my empty apartment, “I do not kneow what to do!”

I had to admit it. This was real. This was me.

I can’t believe how long it took me to realise that the fluffy little kitten didn’t have to be a brat. Cherished and adored, yes. Thrilled to have nice things. Revelling in her absurd excesses of vanity. I can be powerless and let my gigantic ego prance. It’s the best deal ever.

And I love servicing a willful little cat. Why shouldn’t someone else love spoiling me? (Up to a point. But when I’m a kitten in a happy and healthy home, I don’t want to go beyond that point. Pro tip: Unhappy humans provide substandard feline worship.)

Yes, it is embarrassing. I’ve spent my whole life trying not to look cute, fighting the bimbo stereotype. And now I can embrace it. And invite my trusted familiars to share the fun of self-parody.

I’ve got to face it. The kitten is not just the real me. The kitten is about giving myself permission to be the real me.

Just like the abject sub.

One more identity crisis down. You’ve seen quite a lot on this blog.

I’m starting to notice a pattern.

I’m never wrong about what I want. I had loved the kitten. The kitten was me.

I’d been a brat. That was me trying to get what I wanted in the wrong way.

But what I wanted was not wrong.

And I think the kitten’s fluffy confidence will help me remember that.


P.S. On reflection, I think the happy kitten does include bits that look bratty. I mean, she’s a cat. But they’re only fun for me when everyone is enjoying the snooty nose and rapier tongue. Some people would call it bratty, but I like to reserve that term for the domestic discipline (DD) dynamic.

P.P.S. And three meows for real DD brats! Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay. If you’re wondering about this dynamic, I strongly recommend the Falls Chance Ranch online novels. Cowboys, CEOs and tops who won’t let their brats fall. The best.

 

Introducing the Abject Kitten, Part 1

One day a kitten said to a kitten owner, “I wish I had a tail. But unfortunately I think I’m a Manx kitten.”

Said he, “You can have a tail!”

“But I want the kind of tail that the incredibly vain dog has in one of J.K. Rowling’s favourite books. It’s like an ostrich plume and it waves like a pennant and the fine hairs scintillate in the sunlight. And [sniffle] I don’t think cats can have tails like that.”

“You can have an ostrich-plume tail! And we can say that it’s an ostrich plume that has been passed down through a long line of famous cabaret-dancing kittens.”

“R-r-really?”

“Yes! But be careful. Or people might figure out that,” and his voice dropped to a dreadful whisper, “it’s not a real tail!”

It was fun being a kitten. I got to say, “Good meowning!” And “I kneow!” And the French for yum yum, which happens to be “Miam miam!”

I regret to say that I never even tried to hoist my leg in the air and wash my groin and establish unnerving eye contact from underneath. But you can express plenty of demure recalcitrance by washing your paw and stopping to stare at the kitten owner with your tongue still sticking out.

Yes, it was fun. Until it wasn’t.

One day the kitten owner stopped joking about freedom from kitten tyranny and it actually happened.

By that time, I hadn’t been a kitten for a while. Not even a sad kitten, or an indignant kitten, or the kitten who aspired greatly to maleficence. All those were possible kittens. But there was no such thing as a kitten who didn’t trust the kitten owner. Specifically, trust him to find her absolutely adorable.

So for a while there was less kitten. And then there was none.

And one day I started to wonder. Had there ever really been a kitten?

This was not like the time I found out that kittygirls were a thing and I wasn’t like the others. You mean I’m supposed to chase laser pointers? And wear ears and a tail? Huh. Maybe I shouldn’t call myself a kittygirl then. And I lifted my imaginary snout and ostrich-plume tail and enjoyed my own idiosyncratic kittenishness.

This was different. As I recovered from the breakup, I started realising just how unhappy I had been. How wonderful it was to be enjoyed by someone who wanted the mirror image of my wants.

I met people who made me feel more than I’d ever felt. I trembled. I shook. I kissed their feet and thanked them for letting me thank them. I touched my blood-pricked green bruises the next day and heard my voice involuntarily saying thank you, sir. I waited in torture for their emails and was shocked to find myself grateful because they were putting me last.

And I started to wonder.

Cats are brats. Apparently I wasn’t. Had I really wanted to be spoiled?

Maybe the kitten was me acting out because I had been so frustrated as a submissive.

Kitten tyranny, we had joked. But what if the kitten had stepped into a power vacuum?

Had there been a crying sub under all that fluffy conceit?

I’ll tell you what I concluded. But first I would love to hear if any of you have had similar identity crises?

Continued in Part 2!

 

Rough Draft: Raven’s Nest

No time to blog deep thoughts! I’ve been working on my second-ever commissioned piece.

A slave friend has ordered this for her master, Sir Raven, and it’s SO MUCH FUN. How often do I get to do both English and Chinese in the same piece? And the perfect amount of text!

Here’s the mockup I did for layout purposes. I hope you like it!

Calligraphy by Xiao Yingtai, July 2015
Calligraphy by Xiao Yingtai, July 2015

The final version will be white/metallic ink on black card.

This piece is an incredible challenge for me. I’ve never done a diamond layout. The style of the small script in the frame is new to me. It’s a record number of big flourishes, and balancing the two sides took a lot of experimenting. Also it would probably have been more sane if I hadn’t tried out a dozen inks and nibs/brushes in search of combinations that would distinguish three different text elements and look opaque on black … you get the idea. Even my geometry kit came out of the closet.

I can’t believe the Chinese is the easiest part.

Yes, sanity is in short supply right now, but oh my God the kitten is enjoying her inky paws!

Many thanks to Sir Raven and her slave for allowing me to post this!

Vote on Calligraphy!

I’m going to do a piece of calligraphy for charity.

You see, I’m going to TES Fest next weekend. They’re having a silent auction to raise funds for the Leather Heart Foundation and NCSF. Both great causes!

But I’m not sure what I should write. Please help me decide?

1. Beatings quote

“The beatings will continue until morale improves.”
– source unknown

2. Knees quote

“On my knees I think clearer.” – U2

3. Master/slave ambigram

A design that says “Master” when right way up, but “slave” when upside-down. Here’s a rough draft.

master-slave-ambigram

Which one is your favourite?

Please let me know soon! I’ve only got a few days to make this happen.

Communicating While Submissive

Originally written for Submissive Guide.

Doms keep telling us that they’re not mind-readers, so we have to communicate. But it’s hard! Especially when it’s something they might not want to hear.

The good news is that there is always a submissive way to say it. And you never have to compromise the message. Here is what I wish I’d known ten years ago.

You Can Say It

A. You can ask for anything without breaking the dynamic. The dom has the power, right? It’s their decision whether or not to give you what you want. Recently I forced myself to say, “Sir, I was a puddle after our last scene. This is a lot to ask, but could you check on me every day until I tell you I’m okay?” I got a yes, but on his terms. Perfect!

B. You can and should make it all about yourself. Because the alternative is to tell a dom about domming – yikes! Anything problematic can always be expressed as your own inadequacies/abilities, needs/wants, feelings/reactions, or learning process. Like so: “Ma’am, it kills me that I can’t send you a video, because the idea of you watching me melt drives me crazy. Unfortunately, now I realize that online privacy is a hard limit for me. May I write you a description instead, or is there something else I can do for you?” It’s not that you won’t. You can’t. And you want.

C. The zeroth rule is honesty. No white lies. Even qualifiers like “maybe” are out if they’re insincere. Don’t make the dom work to figure out what you really mean – be explicit, be specific, be direct. Because what we do is incredibly hard, and misunderstanding becomes potentially disastrous. So bare it all: “Sir, I’m sorry I didn’t smile when I saw you today. I was petrified. I always forget the terror of coming into your presence.” Emotional nakedness is not just safer in the long run, it’s HOT. Hand over the ammunition!

Take Your Instincts to the Next Level

1. Be positive. As my first dom told me, “Your happiness is a gift to me.” But it’s not just about smiling. For me, the hardest thing about communicating positively was learning to offer solutions. It’s so tempting to feel like I’ve done my duty by spilling my poor conflicted guts: “Nudity is really hard for me, but I hate feeling like parts of me are off-limits to you.” Poor dom. Is there ANY scenario I’d be happy with? “Could we start with all my clothes on, and could you keep taking off whatever you think I’m ready to handle?” And it worked!

Constructive troubleshooting is not the only way to be positive. Gratitude, hope, a wicked sense of humor: whatever your personality, you have something to offer your dom.

2. Be attentive. Although happy problem-solving positivity is a good default, it can be jarring at the wrong time. Always, always watch for warning signs. If your dom is in pain, then jokes might hurt instead of cheering them up. Conversely, if they’re trying to be funny and you start moralizing, they will feel like they’re not being listened to. Imagine you’re dancing, and follow your partner’s lead.

All too often we do the exact opposite. It seems so natural to counter “THOSE IDIOTS!” with “I’m sure they’re trying their best, dear.” But there is no arguing with fresh emotion. So roll with it. Some doms will want active listening and similar emotional intensity: “That sounds really frustrating, ma’am!” Others might prefer respectful silence at a distance. The right answer is whatever works. If necessary, ask.

3. Be trusting. Do you believe in your dom’s good intentions? Their maturity? Do you believe they care about you? If not, get out now! But if you trust your dom, try not to hide. Come out and ask the real questions. You’ll be amazed how many of your scary assumptions are wrong. Are you angry? Did I embarrass you? What do you like about me? May I break protocol? Could you make that a rule? Should I tell you next time? Can we switch? When in doubt, just ask. Best advice I’ve ever gotten.

Your dom needs a safe place to answer, too. A tough question doesn’t have to sound like an accusation if you make it about your needs and their feelings. Occasionally, once I’ve managed to frame the question like that, the turmoil goes away and I don’t even need to ask.

Cautionary Postscripts

PS. It is actually extremely easy to hurt a dom’s feelings. They are trusting us to act like they are in charge, doing the right thing, and utterly adored. You can shatter that trust with a word. Even indirect criticism hurts, e.g. “Sir, are you going to change implements soon?” So try not to blame your feelings on their actions. Link them to your own needs: “I’m losing the headspace. Can you help me?”

PPS. What’s right for you? I know someone whose protocol specifies a pleasing facial expression, so she hides her emotions until it’s a good time to talk. I couldn’t live like that. I want to speak up as soon as possible: “Sir, it’s been an awful day. Can we talk about something else?” And then there are other subs who are supposed to cry whenever they feel like it. The common principle is that hard truths need to be communicated or they WILL blow up – the only question is whether the talk happens now or a bit later. What do you need? What does your dom want?

Need a Cheat Sheet?

  • You can say anything if you say it the right way.
  • Think about what you want to achieve.
  • Speak from your vulnerability and trust.

Everything else is implementation. Which is not trivial – I struggle with every single point above. So I try, and I fail, and I learn.

Because the best conversations start with: “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. What should I do next time?”


For more advice on communication, please see my sources: Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, slave sarah’s class Charm School, and Eric Pride’s classes, especially PlaySpace.

For etiquette, please see the links in my essay on protocol or lunaKM’s Submissive Speech series. I am uncomfortable with some of their generalizations, but as practical tips they’re excellent.

Finally, many thanks to slave sarah, jade, Sciophilous and other friends for helpful criticism. All remaining foolishness is my own!

 

Sub Ethics: Owning Our Power

This is the fifth post in the Submissive Power series.

Once upon a time there was a play-fight, and I was pinned. In my total inexperience, I shoved my elbow backwards, and hey presto, there was a long man on the floor.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or to panic. It didn’t help when he began to wheeze. “What — you just hit — is called — the — solar plexus.” Then he patted me comfortingly. I think it was about half an hour later that he finally managed to stand up.

Poor man. I had no idea I could floor him. But in that moment of ignorance, I could have bruised his heart. (Literally.)

That’s what submissive ethics means to me. That however powerless I think I am, my actions actually can hurt others, including the dom at whose feet I’m kneeling. And I have to try extra hard to remember that, because submissive power can be so hard to see.

Kink Lives in the Real World

When I’m on CollarSpace.com, I can’t say I feel very safe or powerful. But honestly, who’s got more power, me or all the Dominant Men clamouring for attention in my overflowing inbox? There are so many female submissives cussing them out or ignoring them that — believe it or not — I’ve received gratitude for the tiny favour of a “No thanks” reply. The market forces are strong in this one.

It’s true that the balance of power changes once I’m hogtied, wide-eyed and cringing under a whistling cane. But suppose we’re discovered by a hostile vanilla world. The worst-case scenario for me — assuming the top is a good guy — is that I’m outed. For my evil tormentor, it’s jail. I’m damn grateful that tops are willing to take that kind of risk. To be honest, it makes me feel very protective of the poor things. :p

Privilege of the Weak

I have a friend who sometimes wears gorgeous furry feline ears at cons. People are always touching without asking. And the worst offenders are women, including subs.

That’s not okay. Granted, I think it’s worse if a man or a dom is doing it. I expect people with power and privilege to conduct themselves with more restraint, because they can do so much more damage. But weaker doesn’t mean powerless.

So it’s not okay for me to touch without asking. It’s not okay to keep asking for a play date after Master Hotness has said no. And it’s also not okay for me to say no with disproportionate verbal force. Doms have feelings too.

I find it particularly disturbing that I’ve seen more than one domme blog about fearing a male partner’s anger outbursts. Being the sub doesn’t make it okay to lash out and be scary. Being an adult comes first.

Bestowing Unwanted ‘Privileges’

“Mistress: I saw your profile and you are a divine beauty. I am yours to train and torment. Say the word and I will quit my job and fly to your continent.”

Good grief, no.

Yes, your submission is a priceless gift. But power comes with responsibility and intimacy. Not everyone wants to adopt a puppy, let alone a human being!

Doms get to give consent too. And that’s just as true for the small things. Maybe they don’t want you to call them “sir”. Maybe they don’t really want to control your diet. Maybe they’re always going to be too tired for a fifteen-minute welcome-home ritual of rededication to slavery.

And frankly, a lot of them haven’t learnt how to say no to hopeful submissive puppy eyes. I’ve been forced to conclude that “yes means yes” is not enough. Enthusiastic consent is better.

im in ur head
eating ur heart

You may have heard of The Story Of O, a seminal novel of erotic submission. The author was a brilliant literary critic, and she said that her heroine manipulates her masters into giving her exactly what she wants. That confused the heck out of me. What manipulation? O does practically nothing but obey and say, “I love you.”

But then again, is there anything more powerful than obedience and love? And if you thought you might lose all that devotion and awe thanks to your own unworthiness, wouldn’t it scare you?

We have so much power down here. This might be the one place they let go and trust. A sub is a very powerful source of affirmation, but that also enables totally unintentional guilt-tripping. And if a dom has nowhere else to recharge, they’re going to need looking after sometimes.

Leadership is a position of startling vulnerability. We hold their hearts in our hands. They need us to remember that.

Conclusion

To recap, here’s what I’ve learnt about screwing up ethically as a sub, because I’ve done it myself:

You could say that all four points come under the first category. But in practice, I find this a more useful summary:

We have choices. They have feelings.

And subs have the power to do the right thing.

Kitten meme: I'm in your head eating your heart
Public domain image from Pixabay
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