This is the fifth post in the Submissive Power series. Once upon a time there was a play-fight, and I was pinned. In my total inexperience, I shoved my elbow backwards, and hey presto, there was a long man on the floor. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to panic. It didn’t help when … Continue reading Sub Ethics: Owning Our Power
Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good day – until 6.20pm. Man on the street: Hello. [He gets a stare compounded of fury and trauma.] Him: Is something wrong? Me: You’re the second guy on the street who’s said hello to me today. And it doesn’t feel good. That was the low point of the … Continue reading How to Apologise When You’re Called Out
I’m troubled by the recent consent violation news in the FetLife rope community. I need to clear a crazy work deadline before I write about it, but I thought I would at least share the reports with you for now. Please note that you will need a FetLife login (it’s free). And if you want … Continue reading It’s a Bad Day for Rope Consent
Argh. I’ve had it. It’s time for some definitions. Power = Ability to get what we want from others. Wants: Most obvious ≠ most important. Consent = The outcome of internal politics among our wants. That’s how dominant bottoms and masochistic doms can exist. Our wants may not line up tidily with the stereotypes, but … Continue reading Definitions, Dammit
Dammit. Everything I said in my post on Jian Ghomeshi is true. But anger is not the way. People I respect have told me to try and hear others’ needs and wants instead. But dammit, this one is a sociopath! Ego, charm, obliviousness, contempt – I’m not a mental health professional, but I’ve never seen … Continue reading How Should We Respond to Sociopaths?
Jian Ghomeshi. The name makes me so angry. You say to your colleague, “I want to hate-fuck you,” and then you claim you’ve been fired for Safe Sane Consensual? You’re a professional communicator and somehow your partners keep walking into your home unaware that you’re going to whack their heads and choke them unconscious? You … Continue reading Jian Ghomeshi: Scum of the Earth
I started a BDSM classics reading group! People actually signed up and everything! Squee! Ahem. For our first meeting on 3rd September, we’re going to read seminal essays from the Safe Sane Consensual debate. Unsafe at Any Speed, or Safe, Sane, and Consensual, My Fanny by Laura Antoniou (1995) The SSC Mistake by Joseph W. Bean … Continue reading The Consent Debate: Then and Now
Today’s guest post is about an ethical top’s second-worst nightmare. Trigger warning: Rape role-play, pushing boundaries, hardcore knives. We’re so used to talking about bottoms trusting tops. It seems so obvious: if you’re going to let somebody beat you up, stab you with needles, shove a fist up your ass, whip you, dangle you by … Continue reading Top Trust: Guest Post by Dr. Slut
Today’s guest blogger is Cowhideman, the patient and prolific leader of FetLife’s Novices & Newbies group (login required). Crucially for us, he’s also brave enough to talk about the glory and horror of topspace. Enjoy! In a recent discussion thread, someone mentioned that their relatively novice Dom has suddenly shut down and very nearly stopped … Continue reading When a Dom Drops Hard: Guest Post by Cowhideman
When I first found out about service subs, I was politely uncomprehending. No sex, no sensation, no humiliation even, why bother? Surely it would be less trouble to go to a nice restaurant and get served/hired? More authentic, too. Over time my confusion changed into awe and guilt. Probably because I tried to convert a … Continue reading Am I Just Selfish? Service vs. Control
