Last time I told you about my feline identity crisis. I was afraid I wasn’t a kitten. Actually, it was worse than that. I was afraid I’d never been a kitten at all. Yes, I had done a lot of meowing and fun dashing around and studious ignoring of so-called rules. But observing myself post-breakup, … Continue reading Introducing the Abject Kitten, Part 2
One day a kitten said to a kitten owner, “I wish I had a tail. But unfortunately I think I’m a Manx kitten.” Said he, “You can have a tail!” “But I want the kind of tail that the incredibly vain dog has in one of J.K. Rowling’s favourite books. It’s like an ostrich plume … Continue reading Introducing the Abject Kitten, Part 1
Last week, guest blogger Cava Supernova asked, provocatively, “Is racism sexy?” She told us the story of an early kink encounter in which an awesome black man begged her to call him her nigger and her sex slave boy. This out-of-the-blue request floored poor Cava and she asked us to help her figure it out. … Continue reading My Emotional Masochism Isn’t Therapy
This is the third post in the Submissive Power series. I hate clichés. Especially the way they end up being true after you scoff because no one explains why. So it took three teachers to convince me that submission is about strength. Let’s call them Gypsy, Queenie and Rex. Gypsy did not really believe in … Continue reading Are You Strong Enough to Submit?
Argh. I’ve had it. It’s time for some definitions. Power = Ability to get what we want from others. Wants: Most obvious ≠ most important. Consent = The outcome of internal politics among our wants. That’s how dominant bottoms and masochistic doms can exist. Our wants may not line up tidily with the stereotypes, but … Continue reading Definitions, Dammit
Dammit. Everything I said in my post on Jian Ghomeshi is true. But anger is not the way. People I respect have told me to try and hear others’ needs and wants instead. But dammit, this one is a sociopath! Ego, charm, obliviousness, contempt – I’m not a mental health professional, but I’ve never seen … Continue reading How Should We Respond to Sociopaths?
This month the BDSM Classics Reading Group read The Story of O by Pauline Réage. Faced with the prospect of rereading it yet again, I groaned and went for background reading instead. And wow. Now I want to be Pauline Réage! One day a girl in love said to the man she loved: “I too … Continue reading The Love Letter of O
I love protocols. Do you want me to call you sir? Yes sir! (And apologies for the non-inclusive language, ma’am!) Do you want me on the floor? Prod me till I get the position right, please? Do you want me to heel you, or forget the word ‘but’, or owe every morsel of food to … Continue reading Protocols. I Want.
This is the first blog post I’ve been able to write in a month! Hurray! I am so not the right person to write about polyamory. I wasn’t born that way, and I have no success stories to share (yet). I can tell you not to do it with someone who has communication paralysis, or … Continue reading A Love Poem for the Not‑So‑Polyamorous
The inimitable Dr. Slut returns! Today she tells us more about one of her favourite things: not-rape. Trigger warning: rape role-play, sexual trauma, swords. The idea that a guy might beg his tormentor to stop whipping and flogging him even though he was, in some complicated way enjoying it, is so intuitively built into BDSM … Continue reading Rape Play Is Not Rape: Guest Post by Dr. Slut
Today’s guest post is about an ethical top’s second-worst nightmare. Trigger warning: Rape role-play, pushing boundaries, hardcore knives. We’re so used to talking about bottoms trusting tops. It seems so obvious: if you’re going to let somebody beat you up, stab you with needles, shove a fist up your ass, whip you, dangle you by … Continue reading Top Trust: Guest Post by Dr. Slut
Today’s guest blogger is Cowhideman, the patient and prolific leader of FetLife’s Novices & Newbies group (login required). Crucially for us, he’s also brave enough to talk about the glory and horror of topspace. Enjoy! In a recent discussion thread, someone mentioned that their relatively novice Dom has suddenly shut down and very nearly stopped … Continue reading When a Dom Drops Hard: Guest Post by Cowhideman
When I first found out about service subs, I was politely uncomprehending. No sex, no sensation, no humiliation even, why bother? Surely it would be less trouble to go to a nice restaurant and get served/hired? More authentic, too. Over time my confusion changed into awe and guilt. Probably because I tried to convert a … Continue reading Am I Just Selfish? Service vs. Control
Last week my blog was four months old. And I am stunned to realise that I’ve learnt more about my kink in four months of blogging than in a year of intensive reading before that. Unfortunately, that means that I’ve said things on this blog that I no longer believe. It’s time for me to … Continue reading I Stand Corrected: Four Months of Blogging
Dear Remittance Girl, I admire you and your writing so much. But. You say there are two tribes of perverts, and fuck decaf. You say that real perverts know there is nothing remotely ethical about getting off on hurting people. You say the rest of us are deluding ourselves when we say we are naughty … Continue reading Real Doesn’t Have to Be Toxic
Two months ago I called for BDSM bloggers to write about vanilla tragedies. Now the blogosphere is churning with horror at the UC Santa Barbara mass shooting by Elliot Rodger. But nobody seems to be answering the first question I asked myself: Am I part of the problem? I’m a straight submissive woman. I was … Continue reading Am I Part of the Problem?
This post is part of the Is It Bad for Me? series. You may wish to begin with Part 1. The critical reader may have noticed that I skipped over a pressing question in Abject Submission 3: Only the Gift. As you know, I realised to my surprise that some stories about emotional abuse were actually good for … Continue reading Just Say No?
This post is part of the Is It Bad for Me? series. You may wish to begin with Part 1. As you know, a few weeks ago I was frightened by my kink. I already knew I had been eroticising my depression last year – we emotional masochists are capable of amazing feats – but now I wondered if I had … Continue reading Abject Submission 3: Only the Gift
This post is Part 1 of the Is It Bad for Me? series. I am shaken. So far, all the the shame and guilt you’ve seen in this blog should really have been in the past tense. I knew people needed to hear my stories, so I told them, but after sixteen years you do get … Continue reading Abject Submission 1: Is it bad for me?
“Help me, I’m Amanda Berry … I’ve been kidnapped, and I’ve been missing for ten years.” We all remember that 911 call last May. And then those terrible words in the news. Sex slavery. Chains, leashes. Torture. The stuff of our fantasies, now a spotlighted horrorhouse. It was so hard to hear about it. It … Continue reading Ariel Castro: The Psychopath in the Mirror?
As you may remember, I have no shame about being female and therefore in a position of weakness. Nor do I feel particularly bad about being submissive and therefore wanting some such predicaments. But my masochism? Let’s not talk about it. No. Let’s talk about it. Masochism has a bad name. To the observer – … Continue reading Let’s Talk About Masochism
My friends and I were not brought up to discuss sex, and so kink does not come up in conversation. But this has changed a little since I wrote my coming-out letter, because I have now come out to five more friends and one more brother (which is enough for now). As I expected, everyone was supportive. But … Continue reading Coming Out: The Sequel
I have read that American women feel obliged to seem cheerful and friendly to strangers, even when they’re actually grumpy or scared. Not being American, this was difficult for me to believe until a domme friend told me about something terrifying that happened to her, just walking to the train station. Maybe you’ll think it … Continue reading I’m Assertive Because I’m Weak – And Unashamed
Review of website: CollarSpace.com CollarMe.com (kinky personals). The morning after I signed up at CollarMe.com, I happened to start daydreaming about one of my favourite books, and a bolt of arousal shot through me. Normally this would not have been such a surprise, but I had believed I was dead between the legs due to … Continue reading Review: CollarMe.com and My Off Switch
BDSM: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. What does it feel like to need that kind of thing? One of my friends said, “It’s about fear, isn’t it?” Well, no, it’s not. I’m afraid of contact lenses and rollercoasters and they don’t do a thing for me. And I have been genuinely … Continue reading A Coming-Out Letter
One of my close friends is a sadist. Some of her favourite stories fall squarely into my definition of horror. She is also terminally warm-hearted. She can’t finish reading some of my favourite stories because the ethical problems upset her so much. And she used to worry whether she was evil. This post is for … Continue reading The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Sadists
