You know there are people who say sadism and masochism are not about pain, they’re about extreme sensation? After long covid, I’m pretty sure which side of this debate I’m on. On days when I have a little more energy, I want to feel my head wrenched back by my hair, I want to struggle … Continue reading Kink, pain and extreme sensation
Someone asked on Twitter about what motivates 24/7 subs. The replies went like this: Safety; Freedom from control, responsibility; Order, instruction, framework, accountability; Being useful to someone else, greater purpose; Intimacy. For me? Firstly, this is not a choice. This is something I find myself doing automatically. And when someone else wants it too, it … Continue reading What motivates 24/7 submission?
Last time I told you about my feline identity crisis. I was afraid I wasn’t a kitten. Actually, it was worse than that. I was afraid I’d never been a kitten at all. Yes, I had done a lot of meowing and fun dashing around and studious ignoring of so-called rules. But observing myself post-breakup, … Continue reading Introducing the Abject Kitten, Part 2
One day a kitten said to a kitten owner, “I wish I had a tail. But unfortunately I think I’m a Manx kitten.” Said he, “You can have a tail!” “But I want the kind of tail that the incredibly vain dog has in one of J.K. Rowling’s favourite books. It’s like an ostrich plume … Continue reading Introducing the Abject Kitten, Part 1
Last week, guest blogger Cava Supernova asked, provocatively, “Is racism sexy?” She told us the story of an early kink encounter in which an awesome black man begged her to call him her nigger and her sex slave boy. This out-of-the-blue request floored poor Cava and she asked us to help her figure it out. … Continue reading My Emotional Masochism Isn’t Therapy
Today my guest blogger is the outrageous and huggable Cava Supernova! She’s here to tell us about her younger self being being Dropped in the Deep End. “Call me your n****r. Go on, it gets me going. I want you to call me your n****r.” “Oh my god, no. I could never do that.” “It’s … Continue reading Guest Post: Is Racism Sexy?
This is the fourth post in the Submissive Power series. Recently Valery North paid me the gigantic compliment of a critical response to my blog post about submissive strength. I came away wondering if I had contradicted myself. But dammit, I know everything I said was true! And then. I realised. These apparent contradictions, they’re … Continue reading Submissive Strength: Contradiction or Koan?
This is the third post in the Submissive Power series. I hate clichés. Especially the way they end up being true after you scoff because no one explains why. So it took three teachers to convince me that submission is about strength. Let’s call them Gypsy, Queenie and Rex. Gypsy did not really believe in … Continue reading Are You Strong Enough to Submit?
This is the second post in the Submissive Power series. It is a cliché that the sub has all the “real” power. And I really, really hope it’s not true. Yes, I can stop it any minute and yes, hotel security is a lot more likely to help me than him. (Apologies for non-inclusive language; … Continue reading Submissive Power Is Hot Stuff
This is the first post in the Submissive Power series. Famed kink educator Midori has a brilliant exercise for identifying your style of feminine dominance. First, she says to list all the powerful women you admire – from fiction, film, history, myth, your family, everywhere, anywhere. She had Brunnhilde, RuPaul and her grandmother, among others. … Continue reading My Submissive Icons Are … Strong?!
I remember the day my first dom taught me to beg. My initial attempts were ludicrous. “Please, sir …” Frantic mental efforts, not aided by his casually travelling hands. “You’re … very strong …” I remember the moment when his gigantic brain figured out that I didn’t even know how to do it. He stopped, … Continue reading Condescension, or Kindness from Above
Argh. I’ve had it. It’s time for some definitions. Power = Ability to get what we want from others. Wants: Most obvious ≠ most important. Consent = The outcome of internal politics among our wants. That’s how dominant bottoms and masochistic doms can exist. Our wants may not line up tidily with the stereotypes, but … Continue reading Definitions, Dammit
I love protocols. Do you want me to call you sir? Yes sir! (And apologies for the non-inclusive language, ma’am!) Do you want me on the floor? Prod me till I get the position right, please? Do you want me to heel you, or forget the word ‘but’, or owe every morsel of food to … Continue reading Protocols. I Want.
When I first found out about service subs, I was politely uncomprehending. No sex, no sensation, no humiliation even, why bother? Surely it would be less trouble to go to a nice restaurant and get served/hired? More authentic, too. Over time my confusion changed into awe and guilt. Probably because I tried to convert a … Continue reading Am I Just Selfish? Service vs. Control
This post is part of the Is It Bad for Me? series. You may wish to begin with Part 1. The critical reader may have noticed that I skipped over a pressing question in Abject Submission 3: Only the Gift. As you know, I realised to my surprise that some stories about emotional abuse were actually good for … Continue reading Just Say No?
Did you know that Humiliation Studies is a thing? I didn’t! Sadly, these researchers have no interest in helping us to scene better. They’re in it because they consider humiliation to be at the heart of all kinds of social turmoil and global conflict. The underlying assumption, of course, is that humiliation is a particularly intense emotion. And … Continue reading Humiliation Is the Most Intense Emotion?
This post is part of the Is It Bad for Me? series. You may wish to begin with Part 1. As you know, a few weeks ago I was frightened by my kink. I already knew I had been eroticising my depression last year – we emotional masochists are capable of amazing feats – but now I wondered if I had … Continue reading Abject Submission 3: Only the Gift
This post is Part 1 of the Is It Bad for Me? series. I am shaken. So far, all the the shame and guilt you’ve seen in this blog should really have been in the past tense. I knew people needed to hear my stories, so I told them, but after sixteen years you do get … Continue reading Abject Submission 1: Is it bad for me?
As you may remember, I have no shame about being female and therefore in a position of weakness. Nor do I feel particularly bad about being submissive and therefore wanting some such predicaments. But my masochism? Let’s not talk about it. No. Let’s talk about it. Masochism has a bad name. To the observer – … Continue reading Let’s Talk About Masochism
BDSM: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. What does it feel like to need that kind of thing? One of my friends said, “It’s about fear, isn’t it?” Well, no, it’s not. I’m afraid of contact lenses and rollercoasters and they don’t do a thing for me. And I have been genuinely … Continue reading A Coming-Out Letter
One of my close friends is a sadist. Some of her favourite stories fall squarely into my definition of horror. She is also terminally warm-hearted. She can’t finish reading some of my favourite stories because the ethical problems upset her so much. And she used to worry whether she was evil. This post is for … Continue reading The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Sadists
