Statue of kneeling woman arranging her hair

Submissive Power Is Hot Stuff

Statue of kneeling woman arranging her hair
This is the second post in the Submissive Power series.

It is a cliché that the sub has all the “real” power. And I really, really hope it’s not true.

Yes, I can stop it any minute and yes, hotel security is a lot more likely to help me than him. (Apologies for non-inclusive language; I’m writing about my personal experience.) But good grief, when someone is looming over me with a paddle and an enigmatic smile, the last thing I want to be thinking is, “Nice job, minion!”

What I want is to please him. Continue reading

Stained-glass window: Angel with four naked boys

My Submissive Icons Are … Strong?!

Stained-glass window: Angel with four naked boys
This is the first post in the Submissive Power series.

Famed kink educator Midori has a brilliant exercise for identifying your style of feminine dominance.

First, she says to list all the powerful women you admire – from fiction, film, history, myth, your family, everywhere, anywhere. She had Brunnhilde, RuPaul and her grandmother, among others.

Then she says to go down the list and identify the qualities that make them so powerful for you, both light and dark. That’s your inner dom.

This is genius. But why just femme dominants? Why not everyone?

Continue reading

To-do list on smartphone with watch in background

Resolutions: Looking Back, Looking Forward

To-do list on smartphone with watch in background

Ah, New Year resolutions. I wasn’t going to make any. But then Sciophilous inspired me, and I realised that I’ve been making resolutions all along. This is a good time to record them.

In this past year, I resolved to:

1) Accept that I tend to be a slave in relationships, and change from being a dependent slave to a strong one. Not just reporting problems, but helping to solve them. Being a helpmeet, not a liability.

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2014 in fireworks

2014: Don’t Lose the Answers

2014 in fireworks

I have a confession. My favourite reading matter is this very blog.

But I swear, it’s not just because I am so vain! It’s also because my memory is a sieve. It’s so bad that once when I was asked for a personal motto, I immediately ad-libbed, “Question Everything. Don’t Lose the Answers.”

It’s particularly bad with kink, because it’s so partitioned off from the rest of real life. I’ve had so many questions for so many years, and it’s only recently that I’ve discovered the books and friends who have helped me work through possible answers. (Thanks, guys!)

So I made a cheat sheet for what I’ve learnt here this year. Ahem!

Continue reading

Little African girl in headscarf laughs and covers her face

Communicating While Submissive: Teaser

Little African girl in headscarf laughs and covers her face
Today I am a guest blogger on Submissive Guide! With an essay that was Written in Blood.

Doms keep telling us that they’re not mind-readers, so we have to communicate. But it’s hard! Especially when it’s something they might not want to hear.

The good news is that there is always a submissive way to say it. And you never have to compromise the message. Here is what I wish I’d known ten years ago.

Continue Reading →

Portrait of King Henry VII

Condescension, or Kindness from Above

Portrait of King Henry VII

I remember the day my first dom taught me to beg.

My initial attempts were ludicrous. “Please, sir …” Frantic mental efforts, not aided by his casually travelling hands. “You’re … very strong …”

I remember the moment when his gigantic brain figured out that I didn’t even know how to do it. He stopped, and then the focus was ever so slightly warmed by amusement.

And my world shifted as he said, so very very gently, “You don’t need to flatter me. Just react. Make noises when I touch you.”

Oh God, the shame. I had got it so very wrong. And oh God, the gratitude. He didn’t just not laugh at my incompetence, he was going to pretend he wasn’t even surprised by it.

(And yes, I know his interpretation of “beg” was unconventional, but I wasn’t going to argue.)

Continue reading

Many candle flames

e[lust] #64 – Molly picked me!

Many candle flames

Welcome to Elust #64 – The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #65? Start with the rules, come back December 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

On a special note I want to mention that the judges voting on Elust is often very close, this month more than most. You all do such fine work that it is very hard for us to come up with the final results.

– This Month’s Top Three Posts –

Ownership: On Sexuality & Feminine Relations
Tool Time
Seven – A Fairytale of Sorts

– Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) –

The Love Letter of OThis is me!
To My Single Submissive Friends – Be Brave

– Readers Choice from Sexbytes –

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
What S/He Said: Pressing Stop

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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Dictionary entry for communication

Definitions, Dammit

Dictionary entry for communication

Argh. I’ve had it.

It’s time for some definitions.

Power = Ability to get what we want from others.

Wants: Most obvious ≠ most important.

Consent = The outcome of internal politics among our wants.

That’s how dominant bottoms and masochistic doms can exist. Our wants may not line up tidily with the stereotypes, but in a good scene we are all getting fulfilled. It’s just that your wants ≠ my wants.

Continue reading

Mask of a beautiful woman with empty eyes

How Should We Respond to Sociopaths?

Mask of a beautiful woman with empty eyes


Everything I said in my post on Jian Ghomeshi is true.

But anger is not the way. People I respect have told me to try and hear others’ needs and wants instead.

But dammit, this one is a sociopath! Ego, charm, obliviousness, contempt – I’m not a mental health professional, but I’ve never seen a clearer case of a hollow heart. How do you sympathise with that?

Or so I told myself. Because once I really tried, I remembered that I do know what it feels like to be a sociopath, thanks to the chilling book Confessions of a Sociopath by M.E. Thomas.

Continue reading


Warning: This website discusses BDSM, rape, abuse and other disturbing content.

I recommend Scarleteen for honest sex education.

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