Argh. I definitely should have mentioned that what I’m talking about is a VERY mild form of dissociation. Of course you are right, people who experience full-blown panic attacks or catatonia don’t need these suggestions, they need to STOP. I’m going to add a note to that effect now – thank you for pointing it out.

“I want/deserve to be used/objectified; participation reduces that fantasy.”

This is intriguing. I suppose reaction is a form of participation which objects are not capable of, but I would never have thought of it that way. Thank you.

So if I were to dissociate in a scene, it would mean the scene had gone catastrophically, irredeemably wrong. Not “try something different,” not “I need to practice mindfulness,” but “red, stop, no more.” Except I wouldn’t necessarily be able to say that (if a top can’t interpret a panic attack as a stop sign, they’ve got serious issues).

For me as a bottom, a good scene brings me more into myself and into connection with the top. There’s laughing and screaming and banter and NOISE. We’re both/(all) constantly moving. When I top, I look for the same. The feedback, the sense that I’m not using an object but playing a part with another active, engaged person. I’ve heard several reasons for lack of reactions (you’re the first to mention dissociation): “Showing pain is weakness.” “I want/deserve to be used/objectified; participation reduces that fantasy.” “I’m afraid you will be offended by reactions.” “I’m afraid of being mocked for reactions.” These seem to show a bottom who’s looking for something completely different in a scene than I am, and whom I can’t understand during play. Means they’re someone I shouldn’t be playing with; we’re both going to walk away dissatisfied.

But again, that’s personal. Just something to be mindful of, that being on the same page as your partner will enhance all the things.

Feel free to quote my rollercoaster story if you like!

Yes! This takes me back to the day I mentioned to my brother that I’m an emotional masochist. He looked so worried, and in my effort to reassure him I hit on the exact same analogy. I reminded him that my father and I hate roller-coasters and that’s why we look so calm when we’re riding them, because we don’t trust them and we don’t give in to the experience. Whereas everyone else in the family is screaming joyfully. His worried look cleared up like magic.

I’ve always thought I should write a blog post about that, but maybe you can do it for me? :)

You have an idea of the likely safety of the ride. You don’t go on the Dodgy Brothers’ Rusty Circus Clippon Centrifugal Circles of Death, awesome though that sounds. You pick something that looks promising but also reliable, and merely scary rather than rationally terrifying.

Buying the ticket is consenting to be on the ride. Once it’s going you might wish it didn’t go so high, and take that corner so fast, and OMG am I really going to be loop the looped? But while you’re scared, you can remind yourself, when you need, of the things can keep you safe.

(Ok, bdsm is safer than roller coasters, because roller coasters mostly don’t stop when you safe-word. It’s just an analogy.)

Then you get out, shaken but feeling good.

The roller coaster people want you to be scared, because that’s fun/hot, and they also want you to be able to access the knowledge that you’re safe when you need that.

Otherwise they’d only sell one ticket per customer per lifetime, and that’s no good. They want and need people to want to come back.

Thank you! I hope that’s the reason for the lack of comments so far.

And yes, doms are definitely the experts on making me feel safe. :)

So: those are good suggestions, and I agree. Though “making the sub feel safe” isn’t just a thought from submissives. Doms tend to think that’s a good idea too.