Comments on: Abject Submission 1: Is it bad for me?

By: Yingtai

Yingtai — Sat, 03 May 2014 06:27:02 +0000

In reply to Stabbity. Oh my God, THANK YOU FOR GETTING IT. You'll see from my new post that it's not as bad as I feared, not for me. But I'm still glad I spent some time terrified, because otherwise it would be too easy to forget that this happens to others.

By: Stabbity

Stabbity — Fri, 02 May 2014 03:54:17 +0000

Your post reminds me of a caller I heard asking for advice on a podcast once. This woman was really turned on by the idea of her partner cheating on her, but being turned on by her own humiliation just made her sad.

The advice columnist didn’t have a lot of helpful advice, and I don’t either. The kink community is great at ‘don’t feel bad about being a pervert’ but when your kinks themselves make you feel bad, we’re kind of at a loss. Emotional masochism must be a really difficult kink to have, and it seems like we’re all so busy beating the ‘kink is not abuse or self-harm’ drum that we can’t acknowledge that maybe some kink really is a form of self-harm.

By: Yingtai

Yingtai — Tue, 22 Apr 2014 00:42:46 +0000

In reply to cdibbs.

Yet all I hear is shame, hurt, and anxiety about the topic of sex.

Actually, I think that's a step forward. I get worried when people are afraid to talk about those feelings.

Question your kink if you want, change it if you want — It is your sex life.

Thank you!

I wish I could have read this post 15 years ago, it may have saved me from years of a self destructive sexuality due to the limits given to me, or taken from me — however you want to look at it. At least we’re not alone.

I am so sorry to hear that it also applies to you, but I'm glad we're not alone, too.

By: cdibbs

cdibbs — Mon, 21 Apr 2014 18:49:05 +0000

There are so many right and wrong pressures about sex and sexuality that come from society and/or culture. Something that should be so personal is constantly exploited through media, violence, and relationships. Sex is suppose to be nurturing, exciting, glorious, explosive… Yet all I hear is shame, hurt, and anxiety about the topic of sex. It is bad, it is good — only if it done this way… screw that. Question your kink if you want, change it if you want — It is your sex life. I wish I could have read this post 15 years ago, it may have saved me from years of a self destructive sexuality due to the limits given to me, or taken from me — however you want to look at it. At least we’re not alone. It is a hard enough just to survive in this world, trying to keep a balance of happiness is always subjective. I guess what I am saying is that I can relate to you and the author you quoted. Your concern is very much worth while.

By: Yingtai

Yingtai — Thu, 17 Apr 2014 17:28:25 +0000

In reply to Constanze.

I must have done a terrible job summarising thirdxlucky’s post. She’s not shaming anyone’s kink, she’s saying part of her kink was NOT making her happy, and I’m trying to figure out if that applies to me as well.

It’s really sad that she encountered so much of people shaming her shame, so to speak. I was aghast to find that I had been doing that myself. So I do hope you’re not saying that she (and maybe I) shouldn’t be unhappy in the first place. Because I absolutely agree with thirdxlucky that we should have a right to avoid our kink if it’s causing more unhappiness than it’s worth.

By: Constanze

Constanze — Thu, 17 Apr 2014 08:19:45 +0000

I’m a strong supporter of “whatever makes people happy – as long as it’s RACK, it’s OK” – some things are not for me, but this whole “My kink is a valid kink but because your kink is not mine, it’s wrong” drives me up the walls.
I wish people would ease up, especially with comments like “perverted” and such, this whole shaming because somebody’s sexuality is not “the norm” is such bullshit.

By: Yingtai

Yingtai — Mon, 14 Apr 2014 22:03:31 +0000

In reply to Hal McFadden.

I appreciate the support, but I think what you’re saying is that we shouldn’t let convention hold us back. What I’m worried about is whether my kink is actually damaging my happiness and strength.

(I also think it saves time if we don’t redefine the words “kink”, “bizarre” and “normal”, and instead talk about whether the ideas are right or wrong. I hope you do agree that it’s possible to want something that is wrong.)

By: Hal McFadden

Hal McFadden — Mon, 14 Apr 2014 21:52:46 +0000

I don’t think any of us has a kink. All our thoughts, no matter how deeply we file them away into a dark recess, are rooted in our primitive reptilian brains. And in order for any of us to reach the peak of sexual pleasure, we have to let ourselves go there. I think what is perverse is not what mainstream media would think it is. I think straight laced sexuality without gratification and release is what constitutes the bizarre while the exploration of everything the mainstream might deem a kink but gives its participants their deep rooted release is what is quite normal.