But but but I think humiliation can be safe, sane and consensual! Of course people don’t necessarily agree on what it means. In my case I mean staying away from sex-shaming language or belittling my reliability or attractiveness, because that wouldn’t be good for my sanity. Someone else might have completely different danger points, but that would also be true for physical limitations. Mental play may be riskier than physical play, but I don’t think it entails taking reckless risks.

You’ve both already seen my loooong reply, but I wanted to add two things that didn’t fit into the post:

1) Valery, we actually do agree that the pain is only hot if it’s not traumatic (and that’s a post I’ve wanted to write for a long time). Again and again, I’ve seen things that used to REALLY work for me turn into things that switch me off like a light after I experienced too much of that kind of pain. Both physical and emotional. It’s like Tilari said in her comment on my response – you want to push against the pillars of the sub’s being, but you want to choose the ones that are strong enough that the hurt won’t turn into lasting harm.

2) Cava, when you sent me this piece, I originally thought you were asking, “Why the hell did you think I would be okay with it?” I don’t think it’s exactly that he assumed all kinky people are into all kinks, because he sounds smarter than that. My totally uninformed guess is that this guy assessed you (correctly) as a toppy lady, and that degradation was so intrinsic to his bottoming that he assumed the same about topping. It takes people a lot of experience to realise that there are different flavours of dom/sub/switch. But maybe that’s what you meant and we are just saying the same thing in a different way?

Definitely food for thought, especially for those who always feel kink should be SSC. T

I have roleplayed online with subs who have specifically wanted racial abuse as part of the scene and I suspect that it’s that concept of, “this thing that can destroy me in r/l, can’t destroy me here so it is hot.” Some people even find violent sex/roleplay to be therapeutic in terms of reliving in a controlled way some past trauma.

I know I am exploring a lot of my “nightmares” through roleplaying bottom in such things.

See also Pandora Blake’s piece Strength through humiliation, which deals with this from a body-shaming scene in which she was top. I suspect a lot of the dynamic may be similar in various ways.